Depression.

I thought I would share my experience with depression in my life.
I got depression when I was 12.
I got pretty suicidal at age 12-13. I'm not even sure why. Maybe I couldn't see any good beyond what I was seeing then.
I started using creativity as my outlet because it wasn't very severe this helped.
At 14 I was in the habit of self harm.
At 15 someone came into my life that opened my eyes up to punk rock. Punk rock saved me.
It pulled me out of that dark time. I figured out more about myself. I was reckless I was happy.
I got my first boyfriend at 16. We had so much fun together.
After that it would come in waves but nothing too serious.
I didn't really struggle with depression again until I was 20.
At 20 my second boyfriend went off into the navy. When he was gone I was so depressed I developed an eating disorder.
I just didn't have the motivation to eat. I got as much done as I could then moved out to be with him.
We didn't have much money for food so I kept losing weight. It wasn't healthy at all.
I was trying my best to see the light while living between those four walls, alone the majority of the time.
I stopped seeing any hope or light at the end of the tunnel.
I became very depressed and suicidal. I would get sores on my hips from laying in one spot all day.
After a suicide attempt, I finally pulled myself out of the pit that didn't seem like it would end.
I moved back home and my then husband moved out with me a couple weeks after.
That following summer depression returned. I would push myself to work but didn't see how everyone else did it so easily.
It was so hard to get out of bed.
My relationship was having troubles at this time too.
Things started improving. I was doing really good the end of this year which was 2011.
On Valentines 2012 I got so discouraged I knew I needed to move out soon. And we did!
This year was overall pretty great.
During the summer I did go through just a few weeks to a month of depression but I climbed out quick.
2013 we moved into a beautiful apartment that I loved we made it into a home.
Just like clockwork the summer brought depression. It only lasted about a month or two.
The entirety of 2014 I was in deep depression. You can read why here.
Again this post might not help anyone but sometimes sharing our stories makes us stronger.
I am here sharing this bit of myself to let you know it's okay.
You won't always feel this way.
Sure it might keep coming back but the good times are worth seeing what comes out the other side.
I have no quick fix because I'm still struggling.
I will tell you the thing that helps the most is gratitude.
If you are in severe depression this probably won't help but slowly things will start to make you feel again.
This comic sums up depression better than I ever could. It's so relatable for anyone that's struggled with this.
Go read it here and part two here.
If you are interested in my anxiety post it's here.
Something that has helped me lots when I fall in the pit are John Halcyon Styn's videos, thinking about creating my reality and life design, taking responsibility for the way my life is, taking steps to get closer to your goals and Jessica Mullen's worksheets.

Don't give up. We are all in this together. I love you.

Photoshoot.

The end of January I did a little shoot. 

It wasn't a very good experience but it was an experience non the less.

I thought I would share a few photos from that day with you guys.

-rin.

Non-binary.

I've known I was genderqueer, well all my life, but only like 3 years ago learned that term.
Growing up I would get a bad feeling when anyone would call me a girl or lady.
I never felt quite woman or man.
And that's okay!
I'm genderqueer/non-binary and I'm so proud of that.
It always makes me happy to become closer to who I know I am.
Recently I've publicly come out with changing my pronouns to they/them/their.
If you would support me in this it would mean the world to me.
You don't need to understand, all you have to do is support someone you love in being themselves.
This goes for everyone who has a trans or non binary individual in their lives.
They are such brave people I can't even believe it.
Keep being yourself!
Even when it looks like the whole world is against you and doesn't understand you there are people rooting for you.
Keep strong, I love you!

-rin.

Anxiety.

 I know I haven't posted in quite sometime but I've been thinking about this for a while and it's very important to me. Thank you to those of you that have stuck around even when I've disappeared.
This post is just about me opening up about anxiety.
I've suffered a lot with it and I want to maybe help others get the help they need.
Since I'm still dealing with it maybe I'm not the best to help but all I can do is speak from experience.
I've had it since I was very young but back then I had no clue what it was.
I remember when I was 12 getting a physically sick feeling in school before I had to change for PE.
I remember before and during certain classes just eating myself up inside because of the nerves while everyone said,
"Oh she's just quiet, she's shy." While a war was raging inside myself.
Maybe the quiet people have the most things going on inside them.
At 14 when I started high school I panicked and cried on the roof for a few hours after school.
When I was 15 and had the driving test I didn't realize I was having an anxiety attack that very moment.
The day before I started college I had an attack in my boyfriend's car while he drove me home not knowing what to do.
When I 20 I moved out on my own in a tiny studio apartment.
I think I had developed mild agoraphobia. I wouldn't leave the house and the few times I did I never would go alone.
At 22 it started getting pretty bad but I would make steps to conquer it.
I would leave the house alone once in a while to get the mail. It sounds small but it was big for me.
At 23 I started meditating and I would take my dog on walks and out to go pee, this helped me a lot.
I started dating and this was really facing my fears.
I remember before a date with this really awesome pretty girl I was so nervous but I was able to distract myself with cartoons.
I was improving a lot even though I still had it daily and it got really bad in cars but I was really pushing myself.
My husband had a week long business trip in the summer and that's the first time I had chest pains so bad I couldn't take deep breaths.
I could only take shallow ones and it didn't let up until he was back home with me.
I don't think I coped with that well but I tried to distract myself and do fun activities.
I even got a job when I moved out which I hadn't been able to do for the previous 2 years so I was really proud of myself.
After my divorce it was pretty unbearable since it seemed I had nothing else to lose.
I pushed through and kept my job as long as I could. I started having to many panic attacks before work and wasn't able to go in.
I started going on walks regularly and watching my favorite shows as often as I could.
At this point I had really fallen off the recovery horse and was having severe chest pains to remind myself.
At the end of 2014 I tried medication to help with it. The side effects were too bothersome so I stopped soon after.
It's 2015 now and I'd like to think I'm making progress again.
It's a never ending roller coaster but sometimes it gets a little easier just to coast.
I've been in the boat of vomiting, not being able to breath, chest pains for months at a time, squeezing and stabbing feelings in the chest, eye twitching, migraines, shaking, panic attacks and anxiety attacks.
I know some people have it a million times worse than me, my heart goes out to you.

It's so much easier to get help from others and yourself if you know what is going on.
If you know what stresses on your body are caused by knowing how to cope can help immensely.
Do not be afraid to reach out and get help from others.
You don't need to go through this alone. There are many resources in your area or online.
Getting help is brave and I'm glad I get to go on this journey with you.
You are already so strong for having to deal with this illness.

Things that help me that may help you: Meditation, Jessica Mullen's little meditation videos, spending time with animals, going on walks, spending a little bit of time in nature, comfort shows or cartoons, music that makes you feel good, writing down what's in your head to clear it out, pushing yourself through fears, an app called SAM or other breathing apps on your phone, directing your focus on things that are near you maybe on a comforting color or shape, talking that shit out with someone you trust, being conscious of your breathing.

I'm trying to deal my best with this illness and I hope you can too.
I don't know if anything I said can help in any way but I just thought I would share my experience with you to let you know you aren't alone in this.

Now I thought I'd share some comics people have made that I've liked describing those feelings. 

nicecleanfight.tumblr.com

 

 

explodingdog.tumblr.com

kateordiecomics.com

Another comic here.


-rin.

2014.

I feel like I just did one of these. I know I've neglected this blog a little this year but still wanted to do this.

You can find last years here.

How did the year go?

It was by far the worst of my life. So many trials and pain.

I can't believe I made it out alive. 

I've stared death in the face so many times in my life that I know I am strong. 

No one can ever call me weak after this.
What went wrong?

I had to move back home. My best friend and dog moved to another state. 

My mental health has gone down the toilet.
How did I spend money?

Food. My biggest purchase was a pair of boots I've always wanted, as a present for myself for how much things were sucking. 

 How did my work improve or stagnate?

I had a job for a while but I didn't make much progress on my actual goals. So stagnate.

Tried to publish my book but kept running into obstacles.
2014 in 3 words:

Rock bottom shittiness.


Where do you live now?

Back with my parents unfortunately.
What happened on your birthday?

Bridger took me on a picnic. 

I went for a walk. Got my rat Ghastly the day before it. 

My mom made me vegan doughnuts.

Which was your favorite month?

January because that's before everything crumbled.
Most influential people?

Many influenced me negatively. haha.

My positive influences were probably all fictional.

I cried a lot to Ethan and Bridger so definitely them.
Did you read a book?

Stiff.
Musicians you listened to lots?

Die Antwoord. Bad pop music.

 Favorite moment in 2013?

Puppy sitting for my friends.

Getting tattooed and eating burritos after.

Watching American Psycho.

Watching a documentary by myself by candle light.
Did you find new friends?

I lost most of them because of the divorce.

I might have made a new one, I'm not sure yet.

I made friends at work, although we are no longer in touch.
Do you regret something?

Hahahahahaha so many things!
Did your life change in 2014?
Too much. Huge changes.
Are you happy 2014 is ending?

It can only get better...right?
Best film you saw in 2014?

Maleficent.
What were you doing last new years eve at 11:59?

Crying alone.
What are you looking forward to in 2015?

I'm looking forward to making progress with my goals and my mental health.

Trying to love myself. Traveling.
What do you want to change in 2015?

Not being miserable all the time.
What are you not looking forward to in 2015?

Money worries.  Making things happen.

And as always selfies from each month.

January:

February: 

March:

April:

May:

June:

July:

August:

September:

October:

November:

December:

It's going to take a long time to recover from this year. I feel completely beaten down. 

I hope I can start recovering right away.

Here's to better things!

-rin.

Forest Child.

Let me run away to the forest. 

Let us frolic with the wolves.

=rin.

2013.

I know this post is super late but I still wanted to do it. 

You can find last years here.

How did the year go?

Mostly pretty great. I loved where I lived. I got my sweet puppy BMO. I went vegan.
What went wrong?

Depression, anxiety. It would have been nice to accomplish more.
How did I spend money?

Probably on furniture and making our apartment home.
How did my work improve or stagnate?

I finally picked a career path! I would say improved!

Worked on my book.
2013 in 3 words:

Improvement. Life changing.